Rambology: the study of twigs
by EvilEatingSanta
Summary: Sort of my take on the game Jade Empire. Some of it was a little off, shall we say, and so I decided to write a story incorporating all of these points. Well, all of the ones I could find anyways... Rating is for swearing, woops...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Umm...I have no clue why/how I wrote this. Just because, I suppose. Don't freak out. I'm still trying to write my SO3 fanfiction, so don't worry. It's just easier to write crazy things than it is to write doom and gloom. Yes, I am fully aware that I don't own Jade Empire, though why I have to tell you this still eludes me. Yeah. The main character in this is Rambo. I love that name. Yes, I realize that it is silly. Yes, it is supposed to be silly. Questions, anyone? Good. Now you may read.

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"_Stupid kid for interrupting…"_ a young monk thought to himself as he jogged down a dirt path, _"he just had to come in when Master Li started talking about how awesome I am…" _The monk stopped when he got to the small bridge that spanned the stream, raising a very awesomely shaped eyebrow when he saw the two people arguing there. Gao and Dawn Star were apparently having another 'lover's quarrel', or so Gao would tell him later.

The monk walked nonchalantly across the bridge and said casually, "Hello Dawn Star. I certainly hope I am interrupting." Dawn Star jerked her head in the young monk's direction and smiled warmly, happy for the excuse to get away from Gao the Lesser.

"Not at all, Rambo," she replied, switching her gaze to Gao, who was now glaring in the monk's direction. Gao made a strange, guttural sound when he turned his back on the other two, mumbling something about how he wouldn't allow Rambo to have all of the glory in the battle to come.

"Oh, that's right," Rambo mused, scratching his chin, "Master Li told me to come see you about the bandits that are attacking the village. Walk with me?" Dawn Star nodded her head and fell in to step next to the tall man, casting a sidelong glance in his direction. He indeed looked like a monk, with the six circles tattooed on his forehead and his hair closely cropped. His features were very gaunt and gave him the impression that he was stern, though Dawn Star knew differently. Rambo could indeed be harsh at times, but that was only when the situation warranted it. He was usually cool-headed and calm, as he was a monk.

"Are you alright?" Rambo questioned, lifting his hand and placing it on Dawn Star's forehead. Maybe she was feeling sick… Dawn Star squealed and jumped away from Rambo's cool touch, reaching for the long sword that was strapped to her waist. _"Hoooly shit…"_ the young monk thought as he saw his long-time friend's strange reaction. "Apparently not…" he murmured, stopping to stare confusedly at the young woman. Dawn Star mentally shook herself, relaxing somewhat as she smiled apologetically to the tall man.

"S…Sorry, Rambo. I was just lost in thought. Let's continue to Two Rivers, I'm sure the bandits are there by now…" the young warrior apologized, forcing herself to walk past him at a brisk pace. Why had she reacted like that?

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Beads of sweat formed on Rambo's forehead as he stared at the two weapons presented to him. Damn it, if this wasn't the most difficult decision he had faced so far! Long sword, or…staffy thing with a blade on the end? They both were certainly deadly. They both were shiny. The both would look most glorious with blood spattered over them. Rambo covered his eyes with a hand and held out his other hand, deciding that he would just pick one at random. His hand seized up, however, and he just stood in the middle of Gujin's shop, his head beginning to throb. This was just too f-ing hard!

"Gyah!" Rambo yelled, throwing his arms up in frustration and turning around to storm out of the shop, "I don't care…! You choose, Dawn Star!" Dawn Star stared after Rambo and shrugged, turning to look at the two weapons that Gujin presented to her.

"Umm…I'll go with this, then," the young warrior said, reaching out for the bladed staff. Rambo turned around when he heard her and let out a slight yelp as he rushed back into the shop, waving his arms in the air furiously.

"No, not that one, you dolt!" the monk yelled, shoving Dawn Star aside and reaching out desperately for the sword, Fortune's Favorite. Rambo beamed at the sword as he sliced it through the air experimentally, turning to regard Dawn Star, who was glaring at him with her arms crossed. "…what?" he asked, quickly grabbing the sheath from the flustered weapon master and strapping it to his waist. Dawn Star sighed and shook her head, deciding to just forget about the strange antics of her companion.

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"Nyah ha ha!" a strangely clad man who was standing on a boat laughed as he saw Dawn Star and Rambo approach. "Get them, my pretties!" he screeched, pointing an accusing finger at the pair and cackling all the harder to himself. Rambo raised an eyebrow and rushed into the middle of the battle, using his preferred battle tactic, Leaping Tiger, as he ripped through one of the bandits. Dawn Star stayed behind him and slowly took out her own sword that Gujin had given her, deftly dodging one of the bandit's attacks before swinging her sword sideways to gracefully chop his head off. Dawn Star grimaced as blood sprayed throughout the air. The young woman's eyes widened when she heard a loud 'BOOM', looking up in time to see the ground explode in front of her as a cannon ball ripped through the bandit's that she had previously been fighting.

"They're using cannons, Rambo!" she yelled out to her companion, who popped his head up from a group of bandit's and looked around with wide eyes.

"Cannons?" he said incredulously, "…that's cheating." Rambo narrowed his eyes and then went back to rending his victims limb from limb with the sharp, silver claws that were somehow attached to his knuckles. Dawn Star sighed in relief when she knew that Rambo had heard her warning, turning back to face another bandit who had been waiting patiently for her brief exchange with the monk to be over with. Dawn Star smiled and stabbed him in the face. Really, these bandits were just a waste of time.

"Fuuuuuuuuck!" Dawn Star heard Rambo exclaim, turning around quickly to see him and all of the bandits he was fighting explode in a spray of dirt, water, and gore. Dawn Star gasped and waited frantically for the smoke to clear, hoping that Rambo had somehow defied common sense and had lived throughout the explosion. When she could see through the smoke, however, Dawn Star's worst fears came true when she saw the mutilated bodies stacked there, knowing that Rambo was now among them. Tears sprung up in her eyes when she turned back around to kill another bandit, her resolve now strengthened with the death of her companion.

"ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit…!" a strange, chant-like voice found it's way to Dawn Star's ears as she hacked through the limb of yet another bandit, and she turned around when she recognized who it was.

"Rambo!" she yelled, watching in disbelief as he ran past her, a group of bandits on his heels. A glowing aura surrounded him as he desperately attempted to heal the wounds that the cannon had inflicted on him. Dawn Star watched anxiously and prayed to all the gods she believed in that he would be alright. Dawn Star gasped when she saw his steps falter, then ran to aid her comrade. White letters formed above the monk's head that read 'insufficient chi'. "No…" Dawn Star whispered as she jumped in front of the group of bandits, separating Rambo from their deadly weapons.

"Dawn…Star…" Rambo gasped, writhing in pain on the ground, "switch…to…'support mode'…" The young woman nodded and backed away from the bandits, switching to support mode so that she could heal her friend. Dawn Star smiled when she heard Rambo chuckle to himself as he picked himself up off of the ground.

"Beat that, bitch," He growled to a bandit as he impaled the whimpering man through his spleen with a claw that was now dripping with blood.

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A/N: If any of you like it, I'll write more. But don't expect anything long. I'm just writing for fun here. Woo!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey 2nd chapter! Ummm...be warned. I used the F word a lot int his chapter OO silly, silly Cappie.Oh, andQueenAkasha: I PUT TWIGS IN THIS ONE, JUST FOR YOU!anyways, please enjoy.

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Rambo dispatched of the last few bandits and smirked gleefully to himself as he straightened from his fighting posture. The man on the boat was stroking his chin and "hmmm"ing to himself, his eyes narrowing as he stared at the monk. Quite suddenly, the man on the boat became the victim to a spasm, his arms and legs twitching in one convulsive…twitch. The man tried to smooth it over, however, and began to waltz, trying to make it seem as if it had all been intentional.

"You _are_ better than I thought!" the man yelled, circling around the mast and coming back to stand once more in the middle of the boat, "Well, I suppose I should just kill you, but say, let's make it more fun and see how you do against these undead monster…thingys!" he finished, spreading his arms out at his side and mumbling some mystic mumbo jumbo as he floated into the air. Bright light engulfed the man as he continued his chanting, Rambo looking on with horror as ghosts popped up from the ground.

"What….the fuck…" Rambo mumbled, wondering where this whole plot to destroy the village was going, and, more importantly, where it was coming from.

Dawn Star sneered and began to fight, her long sword cleaving a ghost in two…though how that is possible, I will not say. Rambo began to fight as well, this time clearly vexed that he couldn't just kill the man on the boat and be done with it instead of fighting all of these lackeys.

"snap!" Rambo gasped and looked down as he felt something snap under his boot, wondering what in the hell it could be. _"Probably a bone…" _he thought grimly to himself, but lifted his foot to find a small twig broken in two laying there. It looked quite put out that it had been snapped, and Rambo almost felt sorry for it before he was brought back to reality by a ghostly pair of claws raking through the air near his head. How the ghosts were solid enough to inflict damage but could still pop out of the ground like there was nothing to it, Rambo didn't know. Apparently, ghosts in the Jade Empire were of a different breed…

Once they were through with the ghosts, Rambo and Dawn Star stood side-by-side as they stared at the man on the boat, who was now almost in tears.

"You…killed them!" he screeched, making the almost existent hair on the back of Rambo's neck stand on end, "Now you'll pay! You'll see…you'll all see!" he finished, drying his tears with a rather lovely handkerchief before standing up and disappearing, only to reappear before the pair of companions. "You…you're better than I thought," the man sniffled, clearly attempting to keep his tears at bay.

"Ya, you said that," Rambo said, unsheathing Fortune's Favorite and readying himself for the fight. The man snapped his gaze back over Rambo and prepared himself for the upcoming battle as well, slightly arching his back and taking a few steps away from the monk.

"RANDOM EXPLOSION!" permeated the air that was thick with anticipation, making all three of the warriors turn around and stare as the ship the man had been previously standing on broke in two and sunk to the depths of the…well, not really. It actually just sat there because apparently the water was shallow. Though how he was planning on getting the boat back out to sea, no one really knows…

An old man hopped out from the wreckage, smiling to himself as he slowly walked over to Rambo.

"Eh heh heh…" he cackled, clapping Rambo on the shoulder and smiling at Dawn Star in turn.

"Um…Master Li? What the fuck…? You just exploded a whole fucking ship," Rambo said, raising an eyebrow and watching as his Master turned around to see the other man, who now had his arms crossed over his chest and was tapping a foot impatiently.

"HYAAAH!" Master Li screamed, jumping back a few feet and raising one of his legs in an awesome 'hey! Let's all pretend to be ninjas!' stance (A/N: come on, you all know what I'm talking about). "You shall not kill my pupils, Assassin," he growled, becoming serious in .21 seconds. The other man chortled before turning around to face Master Li, trying to find something witty and dashing to say in return. He hadn't the chance, however, before Li punched him a few times…once in the stomach, once in the chest, and once in the face. Apparently, that is enough to kill you, as the Assassin was dead as a dormouse. Master Li shoved his hands into his sleeves and turned to face Rambo, who was poking the dead Assassin with a twig. Could that really have killed the man?

"Stop it! That's disgusting!" Master Li whined, grabbing the twig from Rambo's hands and snapping it in two. Rambo puffed out his lower lip and narrowed his eyes at his Master, backing away from the corpse to stand next to Dawn Star once more. "Good," Li continued, smiling warmly at his two students, "Now I shall be very vague and tell you to talk to Dawn Star. Talk to Dawn Star about the ghosts then come meet with me in my oh so humble abode. See ya later!" the old man finished, turning to skip down the dirt path that led back to Two Rivers. Rambo raised his eyebrows and turned to Dawn Star, who just sighed and shook her head. The monk nodded, figuring that she would be useless anyway…females always were…

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Once Rambo made his way back to the village, he slowly walked to the Masters home, finding to his astonishment that there was a small gathering outside.

"Hey Masta Li. Havin' a party?" Rambo asked, knowing that his strange Master could sometimes be quite the party animal. Master Li turned around to reply, but was cut off by a loud yell.

"YAAAAHHH!" Gao screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Rambo before he launched himself off of the steps he had been standing on, aiming right for Rambo.

"AHHHH!" Rambo yelled, running to the side so that Gao flew past him and crashed right into the fence that surrounded the fighting area. Gao picked himself up from the wreckage that used to be a very nice wooden fence and pointed his finger once again at Rambo.

"I challenge thee to a duel!" he screeched, attempting to straighten his…robe…with his other hand.

"Uhh…sure." Rambo said, dismissing his strange rival with a wave of his hand.

"No! Seriously, Rambo! I challenge you to a duel! Come oooonnnn!" Gao whined, pawing at the top student's robes as he pleaded with the agitated monk.

"GAO YOU FRIGGIN IJIT!" Master Li yelled, running past Rambo and kicking Gao the Lesser in the shins, "You know as well as everybody else that duels are…umm…UNNECISARY!" He finished, watching with satisfaction as tears filled Gao's eyes.

"…ow..." he whimpered, the tears spilling out onto his cheeks. The Lesser then plopped onto the ground and nursed his shins, as they were now turning black and blue from his cruel Master's punishment.

"Nah, it's cool, Master Li," Rambo said, walking past the vehement old kook and grabbing Gao by his arm. "Let's go, Gao the Insignificant." Rambo sighed, dragging the other man into the arena.

"Hey!" he huffed, turning around to face his long time rival, "It's Gao the _LESSER_ not Gao the _INSIGNIFICANT_!"

"They pretty much mean the same thing, fuck 'tard." Rambo replied, smiling wickedly to himself. Oh, he was just too evil.

"Grr…!" Gao growled, readying himself for the fight.

"Kick!" Rambo yelled as he kicked the other man in the face, watching as Gao bent over, cradling his face in his hands.

"OWW! YOU BROKE MY NOSE, I SWEAR!" Gao cried, plopping down on the ground once again to tell the ants who were running away to their anthill what had happened.

"This Fight Is Finished!" Master Li said, walking _extremely_ slowly into the arena. "The winner is…..RAMBO!" Rambo bowed to the people who had come to watch the fight, basking in the people's cheers.

"Yeah? You think so?" Gao whispered, bending down closely to the ground.

"Gao, what the hell are you doing?" Rambo asked the man who had distracted him from all the praise he was receiving.

"Well, I'm not sure. The ants tell me to kill you but I think that would be just plain mean. Maybe I should get a second opinion from the egrets who live next door…" Gao mused, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"…wow," Rambo said, simply staring at the other man, "Just…wow." Gao's face twisted unattractively as he thought about the implications behind Rambo's statement.

"Wow what? Wow that I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid, don't you?" Gao yelled, jumping up from the ground and getting into a fighting stance again.

"Yup!" Rambo chirped, nodding his head exuberantly.

"That's it!" Gao then blasted some sort of energy thing that Rambo didn't know what the hell was at him. Rambo sighed and put up his shield, preparing to block the attack, but dropped his guard out of surprise when his old master jumped in front of him. The old man blocked the attack, then ran across the yard and close-lined Gao with his sleeve.

"GAO YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!" Li yelled, putting his hands on his hips and glaring down at the man who had been knocked to the ground twice already that day, "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" he finished, pointing to a large building that was behind Gao. Gao sighed and drooped his head as he picked himself up from the ground.

"Yeah, yeah…" He mumbled, taking one last moment to glare over his shoulder at the very confused monk.

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A/N: Ja. Umm...that's it, for this chapter anyway.


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